Through the Tears and the Laughter
by kuroame16
Summary: MarkRoger songfic. It's my first story, so don't be too mean. R&R PLEASE! Disclaimer: I don't own RENT or Beautiful Disaster. COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

Through the Tears and the Laughter

AN: Special thanks to goldenone for telling me I could do this. Whether or not it's any good is yet to be seen :P.

Italics are flashbacks. Bold italics are song lyrics.

The sound of the rain hitting the roof slowly pulls me back into consciousness. As my eyes flutter open I regain my ability to focus them and realise I'm staring up at the 'living room' ceiling. Shit. I fell asleep on the couch again.

I suddenly become aware of the weight on my chest. I look down and am greeted by a head of brown, disheveled hair. Roger.

I'm not surprised. Since Mimi's death on New Year's Eve, it's been a common occurence for me to wake up in the middle of the night to find Roger sleeping next to me. I don't mind. I like the closeness, and sometimes he just needs to know someone's there, even when he's asleep.

On impulse, I lean down and kiss the top of his head.

"Christ, you're a sap."

Fuck. He's awake. Time for Mark Cohen's super power: changing the subject.

"What are you doing?"

"I could ask you the same thing." Okay, so it doesn't always work on the first try.

"You have a bed, you know." I try to stay on MY chosen topic of discussion.

"Your boney ass is more comfortable than that relic of a matress."

"Gee, thanks." Good, looks like he dropped it. I chuckle to myself a bit. Ironically, this all started years ago on this very couch. Everything seemed so carefree back then...

_**He drowns in his dreams**_

_**An exquisite extreme, I know**_

_I hear the loft's door slide open. I look up from cleaning a lense to see a sweat covered Roger, guitar strapped to his back and eyeliner smudged around those emerald orbs. His first gig._

_"So, how'd it go?"_

_I didn't think it was possible, but somehow the grin on his face widened. "Better than sex. I didn't think ANYTHING could feel that good." By the time he finishes saying this, the guitar has been discarded and Roger is flopped on the couch, completely spent. He stares at the ceiling._

_I sit on the arm of the couch, one foot on either side of his head. "So, what was it like?"_

_"God, Mark, it was amazing. The lights, the music, the audience hanging on every word, MY words." He spends the next 3 hours until sunrise telling me everything: which songs they played, which ones the crowd liked most, how hot the lights were, everything. And as I look down at him, the smile, the ecstatic, almost hypnotized look in his eyes, I'm surprised by my own thoughts._

_He's beautiful...weird to think of a guy as beautiful but no other word does him justice in this moment._


	2. Chapter 2

AN: So here's the next part. I'll eventually be posting this all as a oneshot, but for now I'm just putting it up here as I write it.

_**He's as damned as her seems  
And more heaven than a heart could hold**_

_I hear the door slide open from my place in the kitchen. I look up to see Roger walk inside, stumbling slightly._

_"Roger?"_

_He notices me for the first time and smiles goofily. "Markyyy..." He starts walking towards me. "Whatcha doing still up?" There's something different about his eyes. It's like he's somewhere else entirely._

_"You know I don't sleep at night." What's with him?_

_"Oh yeah..." He laughs softly, then pulls me into a hug. "Tonight was THE best night, man. So much fun. You shoulda been there."_

_I pull away to look at his face again and it hits me: he's high as a fucking weather balloon._

_"Okay, welll you must be worn out from all that 'fun'. You should get to sleep." I take his hand and start guiding him to his room._

_"But I don't wanna!" he protests, pouting. I take note of the small marks on his arm. Apparently when Roger's on smack he becomes five. It's endearing, in a strange way._

_"I know you don't, but you have to."_

_"Why?" he asks, trying to catch me in my own trap. But I'm ready for it._

_"Because we told Collins we'd go to the Life with him tomorrow." I have an uncanny ability to make up excuses on the spot. I'll leave Collins a note._

_Roger sighs dejectedly. "Okay, fine." He begrudgingly follows me to his room. I lead him to his bed and he lays down sleepily. I pull the blankets over him and make to leave._

_"Marky?" I stop and turn back towards him. His eyes are closed. He'll be asleep any moment. MIght as well humor him._

_"Yeah, Rog?" Heh. Two can play at this 'cute nickname' thing. I wait for him to continue._

_"You're my best friend..." Any irritation I might have felt towards him melts away. I smile softly._

_"Ditto, Rog. Now get to sleep"_

_"M'kay," is the muffled reply I get._


	3. Chapter 3

Okay, so for the last two chapters I forgot to put a disclaimer, so here it is: In a perfect world, I would own RENT and the characters in it. However, the world is _far_from perfect, so I don't._**  
**_

_**And if I try to save him  
My whole world would cave in**__**  
It just ain't right, it just ain't right**_

_The door slides open. I don't even have to look up to know who it is. I hear giggling and footsteps...then a second set of footsteps, and a SECOND giggling voice. I finally look up to see a girl following Roger inside. I try to become invisible._

_"Hey, Mark! Get over here!" Shit. He's spotted me._

_"Hey, Roger. And...?" I ask, forcing a smile. She smiles back, red hair falling in her eyes._

_"April. I'm Roger's girlfriend." He kisses her cheek. "I'm gonna get ready for bed."_

_"'kay, babe. I'll be in in a minute." The bedroom door closes and Roger looks over at me, grinning. "So...isn't she great?" I'm not amused._

_"How long have you been seeing her?" I fold my arms._

_"About a month now." He looks at me questioningly. I think he already knows what's coming._

_"A MONTH? You've had a girlfriend for a fucking MONTH and you never told me? I thought I was your best friend!"_

_"You are! Andn you did the same thing with Maureen, so I didn't think it was a big deal!" He gets defensive and looks at me like I'm crazy. He's probably not wrong._

_"That's different." Now it's my turn to go on defense._

_"How?" he challenges. Damn, he's got me there. When I don't respond he heads toward his room. Before he reaches the door, I say the first thing that comes to mind in an effort to get the last word in._

_"You have to stop using." He stops dead in his tracks. Slowly, he turns to face me, a cold anger in his eyes._

_"You don't tell me what to do. Stop trying to be my fucking mother." WIth that he slams the door. I slink into my own room and slide into bed. Maureen is already asleep._

_After a few minutes I hear squeeking noises filling the loft and for the first time Maureen and I aren't the cause. I roll over and put an arm around her. As the squeeks become accompanied by moans I pull her closer and closer to me, feeling tears stinging at my eyes._

_I tell myself it's because I'm afraid the drugs are gonna cause terrible things to happen, that my friend is going to hurt himself, or worse. But even as the thoughts enter my head, deep down I know they aren't true._

_**Oh, and I don't know  
I don't know what he's after**__**  
But he's so beautiful**__**  
He's such a beautiful disaster**_

_I'm struck by a large object encompasing my face. I yell and jerk myself out of sleep._

_"What the hell?" I look down to see a stray pillow lying next to me. I advert my gaze a few inches upwards to be greeted by a figure leaning on the doorframe._

_"Get up, pumpkinhead. I made pancakes." He looks at me expectantly._

_"Christ, Rog." I sit up and rub my eyes. He cracks a smile and plants himself Indian-style at the foot of my bed._

_"Look...I'm sorry about the other night. I shoulda told you. I just didn't think it would matter." He looks so guilty. I didn't think I'd made him feel THAT bad._

_"Don't worry about it. It was nothing." I try to reassure him. Even I don't know why I turned something that stupid into a fight._

_"So we're cool?" His eyes fill with hope. I grin evilly and chuck the pillow in his face._

_"We are NOW!" I run into the living room with Roger in hoth pursuit, pillow held threateningly above his head._

_"You are SO dead, Cohen!" At this our housemates look up from breakfast and burst into laughter. Benny springs into action providing commentary._

_"And it's Cohen at the 80! The 90! Oh, and he's tackled by Davis at 95 yards! So close! And he gets a blow to the head by Davis!"_

_I'm pinned to the floor with Roger straddling my stomach. He raises his arms triumphantly. "Say it!"_

_Crap. There's no getting out of this unless I oblige. "I'm your biatch."  
_

_"Damn right!"_


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Well, here it is, chapter 4. This one took me a bit longer than usual. Special thanks to goldenone for BETAing._**  
**_

_**And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter**_

_I duck as a glass zooms over my head and shatters against the wall. And I really liked that one, too._

_"Stop acting like you know everything, 'cause I've got BIG news for you, Cohen: you DON'T!" Gee, he's testy. He mustn't have had a hit yet today. Usually when I tell him to stop doing this to himself he just ignores me or, at the most, tells me to fuck off._

_"Well, there are some things I do know, and one of them is this: if you don't stop, you're going to die!" As I say this, he stalks towards me, furious. I'm clutching my camera like a security blanket. Less than a minute ago I was filming him playing this waltz he had just learned. Things seemed to be going so well._

_"Don't tell me what to do! I'm not a fucking idiot!" As if to emphasis the last two words, he shoves me backwards, almost making me fall to the floor. I lose my grip and hear a devastating crash as a pile of metal and glass explodes at my feet. I raise my eyes from the floor to discover my own shock is mirrored in Roger's face. He knows me well enough to realize what he's just done, and it snaps him out of his anger._

_"Oh, god...Mark, I..." I don't wait for him to continue. I retreat to the closest place I can find: the bathroom. I've already slammed the door when I see the pink water filling the tub and the large red pool next to it on the floor. It's not until I see her face that my brain truly registers what I'm seeing._

_April...oh god, sweetheart..._

_I hear Roger approaching the door, so I fly over and latch it. He can't see this. "Mark? Mark, I'm so sorry. I...I didn't mean it." I'm barely listening. How could she do this?_

_I quickly set to work. Reaching into the tub, I pull the plug and start letting the water drain. Then as my vision blurs with tears I grab towels and proceed to wipe up the floor while trying to talk to Roger through the door. "Don't worry, I'll-I'll clean it up, just...just give me a minute, okay?" I have to make it go away. I'm gripping the rags so tightly my knuckles have already turned white. Tears mix with the blood on the floor._

_"No, Mark. I'll...I'll get you a new one, I promise. Just please, open the door." Suddenly I stop scrubbing and my sense kicks in. Even if I clean it all up, even if I make the room spotless...it won't make it go away. It won't bring April back. My friend, Roger's girlfriend, is dead._

_I hang my head and try my best to make my voice sound steady and calm and as far from my own state as possible. "Roger, call 911." I fail._

_"What's going on?" I can hear the fear in his voice. He starts trying to get the door open._

_"Don't come in here! Just-just call the police!" At this I look up and for the first time I see the note taped to the mirror above the sink. 'We got AIDS'._

_My eyes widen so far it hurts and my jaw drops open. It's not until my throat is dry and burning that I realize I've been screaming._

_"Mark! Mark, open the door!" I hear loud banging noises. It's only a few kicks before the frame breaks and the door swings open. I slowly turn my head to see Roger's horrified face. His knees buckle, bringing him to the ground with me. He begins to frantically crawl towards her._

_"April! Oh, my god!" His voice comes out as a wail. Before I know it, my arms are around him, holding him back. His arm moves past my head as he reaches for her desperately._

_"Roger, don't." I try to calm him, and myself as well._

_"No! She needs a doctor! She needs help! She-"_

_"Roger, she's DEAD!" With that, he freezes. Slowly, he pulls his arm back and puts it around me, pulling me closer and clenching the back of my shirt. As if on cue, we both begin to sob._

_For some reason, despite the drugs and my previous words and the obvious ridiculousness of it all, I always saw Roger as immortal. Now, for the first time, I realize that Roger is going to die. _

_And now, another realization hits me. One that sends so much fear into my heart I begin to tremble._

_I'm in love with him..._


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Chapter 5. Merry Christmas, everyone!

**_Would it be beautiful  
Or just a beautiful disaster?_**

_I'm disturbed from reverie by the sound of crying coming from the next room. I say 'reverie' because I haven't actually slept in over a week. I quick glance at my watch as I get up from my bed and head towards Roger's room. 2:47 AM. I've been staring at my ceiling for 22 minutes._

_When I open the door I see him sitting cross-legged in the middle of his bed with his blankets wrapped around him. He's covered in sweat and shaking violently, rocking himself back and forth. I sit next to him and gently pull him into an embrace, wrapping the blankets around both of us and rubbing soothing circles on his back._

_"I'm so fucking cold..." His voice is scarce above a whisper. He leans into me, probably for warmth more than anything. "I hate this, Mark."_

_"Shh, I know. Just don't think about it." I try to sooth him. I need to take his mind off this._

_"I can't do this." So much for that._

_"Don't say that, Rog." He has to do this. Otherwise..._

_"I can't...I'm pathetic and April's dead and I've got this fucking THING, so I might as well join her."_

_"Don't be ridiculous. You'll get through this. And Roger...I mean, look at Collins. He's been positive since before we met him, and he's still alive and healthy and will be for a long, long time. It's not the end of the world. As long as you both take your AZT, you'll be fine." The words are as much to reassure myself as him._

_Neither of us says anything for what must be 5 minutes, though it feels like hours. Roger is the first so speak up again. "Marky?"_

_"Yeah?" I look down into those meadowy eyes. They look so lost it makes this all hurt even more. I remember when I used to see so much more in them: mischief, laughter...hope. But those days are gone._

_"Could you sing me a song?" he pleads. I couldn't say 'no' if I tried._

_"Sure, Rog. Anything for you. What would you like to hear?"_

_"Doesn't matter."_

_So I sing. For the next 3 hours I sing every song I can think of; rock, country, blues, pop, lullabies, everything. Eventually Roger stops shaking and is able to drift to sleep. Not long after, I'm finally able to doze as well._

_I suppose it's progress._


	6. Chapter 6

AN: NEXT CHAPTER! WOOOT!_ **  
**_

_**He's magic and myth  
As strong as what I believe  
A tragedy with  
More damage than a soul should see  
**  
He's out of the house. For the first time since the withdrawal started, Roger's OUT of the HOUSE! I kind of wish it was for my sake, but hell, I'll take what I can get at this point. I'm counting it as a win._

We're at the Life Cafe, dancing and singing on the tables, mocking Benny and his newfound "yuppy-ness". In a single night, our little family has almost doubled.

There's Angel. Shakespeare couldn't have thought of a more appropriate name. She has to be the most generous, loving person I've ever known. And so alive. She makes Collins smile unlike I've ever seen him before.

And Joanne. On the surface you'd think she'd fit better with Benny in Westport, being a lawyer and everything. But she has a good heart and despite the awkwardness of our first meeting we quickly formed a bond. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous, though. Let the record show I never said I didn't love Maureen.

And finally, Mimi. Mimi, the spirited dancer from the Cat Scratch Club. Mimi, who came to our door looking for someone to light her candle. Mimi, the one Roger left the loft for.

I look in Roger's direction. Mimi's approaching him. She seems irritated, probably because he's been ignoring her, even though it was his idea for her to come have dinner with us. Does it make me a bad person if part of me is glad for that fact?

Several beepers go off at the same time. Mimi slips a pill into her mouth. Oh...OH...poor girl. Roger takes her hand and starts leading her outside.

Close up: Roger with a look in his eyes that hasn't been there since April's death.

Pan around to Mark's heart breaking.

Merry Christma**s.**


	7. Chapter 7

AN: Next chapter up. I hope you likey. Review please!_**  
**_

_**But do I try to change him?  
So hard not to blame him**_

_I lean against the wall next to Roger's door, listening to him shove the last of his belongings into his bag. I've been trying to muster the courage to talk to him for about five minutes._

_Fuck it. In one quick motion I spin on my heel and slide over until I'm leaning against the door frame and for a split second I almost feel smooth. Then I remember I still don't know what to say._

_"So, um...I hear they have, uh...really good food out west..." Oh, perfect, Cohen. Get Roger to stay by telling him the place he's going to has good food. Might as well tell him in spring Fenders rain from the sky there._

_"Yeah, tacos." He's not listening. He's muttering to himself. "That bitch."_

_"Her? You're the one who freaked out after you found out she dated Benny!" It's true. Even if it hurt me to see them together...she made him happy. She doesn't deserve this._

_"You don't even know what you're talking about." It's like he's not even hearing me. Normally by now he'd be raising his voice. But he's still speaking under his breath. "I can't believe Angel's gone."_

_"Which is exactly why you need to take advantage of the time you have! Didn't her death teach you anything?"_

_"No. It didn't." His tone has venom in it now. That got to him. Good. He heads to the living room, bumping my shoulder as he walks past determindly._

_I can't stop now. "Have you gone insane? I need you! MIMI needs you!" Nice save, Marky._

_"I can't deal with her shit right now."_

_"Oh, like you don't have problems?"_

_"How many times do I have to say it, Mark? DON'T tell me what to do! Who do you think you are?" I've hit a nerve. And more than any other time before, that scares the shit out of me._

_"A friend!" A BEST friend. A person who loves you even more than hope. I can't go on without you, none of us can, not after Angel..._

_"But WHO are you, Mark?" I must look confused because he lets out a small laugh. "'Mark has got his work.' They say 'Mark lives for his work' and 'Mark's in love with his work'. But you're just using it to hide."_

_"From what?" I chuckle a bit. He's not making sense. At least, I wish I could say that._

_"From facing the fact that you're alone! You're so afraid of being hurt you don't even live your life! You just watch it, safely detached, from behind a camera!"_

_"Maybe it's because one day it's all I'll have left!" His face softens for a bit. He knows what I meant. At least, he thinks he does. Then his eyes shoot daggers into me._

_"Poor baby." I almost feel frostbitten. He starts heading toward the door. No...he can't!_

_"Mimi still loves you." I love you. "Are you really jealous or just scared because she's getting sick?" Stay for me, stay for Mimi, I don't care anymore. Just don't go, I'm begging you._

_"She did look pale today..." I see realization appear on his face. But it quickly fades. Maybe if I work his guilt._

_"She's running out of time, and you're going to Santa Fe!"_

_"Just shut up! Look...I'll call, okay?" I look into his eyes and just hope he somehow knows what I'm really trying to say. 'Please don't leave me'._

_He opens the door and finds Mimi standing on the other side. They have a brief discussion before he brushes past her towards his 'new' car._

_Suddenly I realize that this may be the last time I ever see Roger Davis._

_Mimi is too busy calling after him to see the tears filling my eyes._


	8. Chapter 8

_**Hold me tight, baby, hold me tight**_

_The view from the roof of the loft has always been beautiful, in that "filth, poverty, sex, drugs, rock and roll" sort of way. But that's not why I'm leaning against the ledge and gazing down the street. I'm hoping, praying, that one of these days I'll see a beat-up old convertible that couldn't have cost more than the price of a used guitar rolling towards me, driven by the person I'm longing to see again. But I don't. Just taxis, a bus, and hundreds of cars I don't recognize._

_This is how my days have been spent since Halloween. Eat, sleep, bathe, work on a sleazy show that is an insult to the term 'news', and wait for Roger._

_Today is the third of December. Thirty-three days and no phone call. Maybe he's forgotten all about us...me. I guess Santa Fe really is that much better than Alphabet City._

_I glance down at the cloth I'm clutching in my hands: Roger's plaid pants. They were his favorite. He might come back, if only for them. I've toyed with the idea of hiding them, so when he does come back he won't be able to find them and thus, logically, he'll have to stay. Somewhere in the span of a month my reasoning has degraded to that of a five-year-old._

_Mimi went to rehab last month, courtesy of Benny. She called here a few times, but I haven't heard from her in over a week. Collins is away teaching until Christmas. Maureen and Joanne are too busy 'working things out' to bother with me._

_I sigh. "Roger was right; I AM alone. Oh, great. Now I'm talking to myself. That's so pathetic."_

_"You're not alone." My jaw drops. That voice. The voice which used to steal hearts on and off stage. The voice that used to fill the loft. I'm almost afraid to move, lest I discover I'm imagining it. I slowly turn to my right. He's standing not ten feet away from me. Roger...oh, Roger..._

_I rush over and pull him into an embrace. He returns it. Marlboros, sweat, and that cheap citrus-y shampoo he loves so much: god, I missed that smell. "I'm NOT alone..."_

_He pulls away and those emerald spheres meet my teary Bombay Sapphire ones. He smiles softly. "Aww, Marky..."_

_He notices the pants in my hands. I grin awkwardly and hand them to him. "I, uh, thought you might want these."_

_He takes them, giving me a sideways glance, then chuckling. "You're weird, Mark."_

_"Well, eccentricity loves company." We laugh together. Then suddenly he becomes serious._

_"I'm sorry. I was an asshole."_

_"Let's not talk about that now."_

_"You're right." He mimics my pose, leaning against the ledge and folding his arms._

_"Beautiful up here, isn't it?" I comment._

_"Yeah."_

_I look over at him and smile. "Welcome home."_


	9. Chapter 9

_**Oh, cause I don't know**_

_**I don't know what he's after**_

_**But he's so beautiful**_

_**He's such a beautiful disaster**_

_December 24th, 10:06 PM, eastern standard time. For the first time in months, we're all together again. However, none of us expected the circumstances to be so unfortunate._

_Mimi had seemingly fallen off the face of the earth after she left rehab. That is, until tonight. Maureen and Joanne found her freezing in Tompkins Square Park. She begged them to bring her here to the loft._

_We've laid her on the table and covered her with our warmest blanket. Collins tried calling 911, but they put him on hold. Even if they hadn't, it might already be too late for them to be of any help. Roger is caressing her face and cooing words of comfort, but still...she's slowly slipping away from us._

_As her eyes start to close, Roger pleads with her. "Mimi! You need to stay with me a little longer. You-you can't go yet because I...I wrote a song for you, and I just...really want you to hear it, okay?" She nods. It seems even that slightest movement takes her so much effort. Roger takes her hand between both of his and begins singing to her._

_"Your eyes as we said our goodbyes, can't get them out of my mind. And I find I can't hide from your eyes..." Why is it when you fall in love with someone their eyes become the most beautiful things you've ever seen?_

_As Roger's song ends, I see Mimi's eyes close completely as she goes limp. Roger pulls her close and lets out a choked sob. "Mimi..."_

_My lungs freeze. I try to blink back the tears threatening to fall down my cheeks, but it's of no use. I can't do this. Not again. First April, then Angel...not Mimi, too._

_A faint cough fills the loft and I gasp, finally remembering how to breathe again. She stirs again. My heart fills with hope. Maybe I won't have to yet._

_She sits up as Roger looks in amazement. "I was heading towards this warm, white light. And Collins, I swear..." she takes his hand "ANGEL was there. And she looked GOOD." Collins smiles and laughs softly. Mimi turns to Roger and almost whispers "And she said 'turn around, Girlfriend, and listen to that boy's song.'"_

_Roger lets our a relieved chuckle and brushes the hair out of her face. "Look at you: you're drenched!"_

_Maureen leans over and feels Mimi's forehead. She smiles. "Her fever's breaking."_

_Roger climbs up on the table and pulls Mimi into his lap, holding her like he's afraid she'll disappear any moment. Joanne rushes over and kisses both her cheeks. "Oh, thank god! It's a miracle!" She smiles as she fights back tears. "Leave it to Angel to send you back to us." Everyone smiles in agreement._

_Then, Mimi looks over at me. For a few moments I just look back at her. Then I slowly walk over to the table. I kiss her forehead, then lean in so mine is touching hers and hold her face in my hands. I look into her chocolate eyes and all of a sudden I realize exactly why they would compel Roger to write a song. I can't believe I , The Observer, never noticed how familiar they were, especially when she's smiling the way she is now. I smile back at her_

_"It's so good to see you again, sweetheart. Merry Christmas."_


	10. Chapter 10

AN: Here it is, chapter 10! It's a long one, and I'm still not quite sure I'm happy with it, but eh shrugs . Happy New Year! R &R!_**  
**_

_**And if I could hold on**__**  
Through the tears and the laughter**_  
**_Would it be beautiful_**  
_**Or just a beautiful disaster?**_

_No matter what I do, I'm never comfortable in these hospital chairs. Especially when someone I care about is dying only a few feet away. The room looks exactly like the one I was sitting in two months ago. When I look out the window I almost expect to see leaves covering the ground instead of snow. Then I remember I'm not just dreaming about Angel's last days. She's not the one lying in bed right now. It's not her slowly, but surely, weakening heartbeat the monitor is reminding us of._

_It's only been a week since we found Mimi. After her miraculous recovery that night, she quickly went downhill again. She's been here ever since, Roger not leaving her side and me refusing to leave his. _

_Everyone is gathered tonight to celebrate New Year's Eve, even Benny. But there are no noisemakers, no hats, no bottles of bad champagne. Maureen's not even wearing her cat suit or drunk and trying to steal my camera. Instead she's sitting on the bed painting Mimi's nails and softly explaining all about her new protest she's doing next month. It still amazes me how gentle she is when she wants to be._

_Roger is laying on Mimi's other side, arm around her and guitar on his lap. He's played Mimi's song for her every night. Usually I pick that time to grab something to eat, but tonight she insisted I stay and record it. I think we all knew it was the last time that song would be heard._

_Collins is standing to my left, fiddling with the TV remote and trying to find the channel with the ball drop._

_Joanne sites beside me, fidgeting slightly and conversing with Benny who is standing in the corner._

_"Yo, bitches! Quiet down, it's starting!" I guess the remote is finally working. All our eyes focus on the screen for the countdown._

_"10, 9, 8, 7, 6..." I glance over at the bed. Mimi is counting down with us. Her voice sounds so quiet and feeble, but she still has that wonderful smile on. "...5, 4, 3, 2, 1...HAPPY NEW YEAR!" we all cry out in unison. For a few minutes those of us who are able to run around the room hugging and cheering and we forget exactly why we're here tonight._

_One by one, the others say their goodbyes and by 2:30 AM, EST it's just myself, Roger, and Mimi, as has gotten to be the usual in the past week. "Hey, babe? Could you get me some water?" I hear her whispering to him._

_"Sure thing, beautiful." He kisses her cheek and gets up. "I'll be right back, okay?" She shoos him away with her hand and mouths the word "go!". He obliges, closing the door behind him._

_After a moment, Mimi looks over at me. "Hey there, handsome." she says, winking._

_I raise an eyebrow seductively and respond in a sing-song voice "Well, hell-o, sexy." It's a game we've always played whenever Roger leaves the two of us alone together. It ends when one or both of us bursts out laughing. But I get the feeling this isn't the sort of conversation that will end in laughter._

_She pats the bed. "Get your cute ass over here." I get up and sit next to her, holding her hand. She squeezes it slightly and sighs. "I'd tell you to take care of him for me, but you've been doing that long before I came along...right, hun?"_

_I smile softly. "I suppose so, doll."_

_She shakes her head. "You do it better than anyone else, believe me. That's why I'm not worried." She looks down at our hands. We both know it won't be long. "I'll miss you."_

_"I'll miss you too, Meems." My own voice sounds choked and weak. It doesn't surprise me._

_The door opens. Roger enters and sets a glass on the table. "Hey, guys. Didn't get in any trouble while I was gone, did you?" He eyes us suspiciously. Mimi gives me a knowing look and giggles._

_"Mark, could you give us a minute?" she asks me. I wink at her and make a clicking sound with my tongue as I walk into the hall. I lean against the closed door for a second before heading toward the cafeteria for some coffee._

_After I return, I lean on the wall opposite the door, slowly sipping my drink and staring at the floor. I feel numb all over._

_I see feet going by occassionally, but I don't look up. I start to wonder what all could be happening at a hospital this time of night. How many people are hurt, sick, dying...how many are being born? The last thought is comforting, in a weird way: that someone might be brought into the world the same night our Mimi leaves it._

_When I tilt the styrofoam cup to my lips again I only taste air. I guess I forgot I finished it. I stare into the empty cup for what feels like forever. My trance is finally broken when I hear the door opening._

_Roger stands defeated in front of me, eyes filled with tears and not daring make contact with mine. I know what he's going to say before he even opens his mouth. "She's gone."_

_"Oh, Rog..." I drop the cup and pull him into a hug. He pulls me closer, crying into my shoulder. I feel my own tears running down my face._

_I don't think it's gonna be a happy new year._


	11. Chapter 11

_**I'm longing for love and the logical  
But he's only happy hysterical**_

_"I'm home!" I call out to a seemingly empty loft. I get no response other than an ambient noise that I can't quite place. Roger must be out, he always answers no matter what. I slide the door closed with my foot and flop onto the couch.. Another day of ass-kissing, bullshitting, and teeth grinding. I wonder to myself who the hell would watch the segments they make me film day after day._

I let my head fall back and stare at the ceiling. Three new cracks...huh.

My eyes wander around the room. They eventually fall on the armchair to my right and the garment thrown carelessly on the arm: Roger's coat. That's weird...

Suddenly I'm able to place the noise: running bath water. My eyes travel to the bathroom door as my heart skips a beat and my mind goes back to that afternoon nearly two years ago...the day I found her...

"Roger?" I call out as I stand up. I start toward the door at a brisk walk. By the time I'm halfway there, I'm running. "ROGER!" As I push on the door I now feel extremely grateful we never fixed the latch after that day.

I'm immediately relieved that the water filling the tub is clear and there is no blood on the floor. However that feeling quickly fades when I take in the sight that is greeting me. Roger standing in front of the mirror in nothing but his plaid pants, one hand filled with pills, the other gripping a bottle of Stoli.

I freeze. The reflections of our eyes meet for a moment, then he quickly shoves the pills into his mouth and takes a swig.

In a panic, I hit him as hard as I can in the back of the head, causing him to spit the mixture of painkillers and alcohol into the drain. I then knock the aspirin bottle into the living room and force the vodka bottle out of his hands. It shatters on the floor. I tackle him to the ground when he scrambles toward the living room. After a short struggle he stops and laughs bitterly.

"Fuck you, Marky."

"Fuck YOU, asshole! What were you thinking?!"

"...I'm sorry, Marky...for all this..." In one quick movement he grabs a shard of glass from the floor and brings it down on his wrist.

"Roger, you fucking idiot!" I wrench the glass from his hand and grab a washcloth, holding it to his wrist. Luckily the gash is shallow and in his hurry he cut across instead of down.

He stares blankly at me as I treat his wound, resigned to the fact that he can't accomplish his task with me here. "You weren't supposed to see any of this..."

"Yeah, and just who the hell do you think would have found you had you succeeded?" He looks away, ashamed. That obviously never crossed his mind.

"I miss her so much..." He says, shaking his head.

"I do, too. I miss all of them. But I also know none of them would want you doing this."

"And what WOULD they want?" he challenges me as I bandage his wrist.

"For you to keep loving, to be HAPPY for Christ's sake! Is that so much for them, fuck, for ME, to ask?" Silence. I sigh. "I know it hurts. Of course it does. It hurts me, too. But the pain will ease, if you'll just keep going on. Don't be afraid to let yourself be happy just because she's gone. 'No day but today'. Angel and Mimi taught us that, remember?"

His eyes slowly raise to mine. From the look of them, you'd think either I'd just revealed some divine secret or given him deja vu. Or both. He pulls me close. "I'm sorry, Marky...oh god, I'm so sorry." he croaks between sobs.

"I know, I know. It's okay now. It'll all be okay." I rub his back and rock him back and forth as he cries.

"Don't ever leave me, please."

"I won't. I promise." Minutes pass, although they seem like hours. Eventually his sobs become quiet hiccups.

"Marky?"

"Mmhmm?"

"Can I stay with you tonight?"

"Anything you want, Rog.


	12. Chapter 12

_**I'm searching for some kind of miracle  
Waiting song long, waiting so long**_

_"Ah, I love this time of year." Roger takes a big whiff of the air as we walk through Tompkins Square Park. "Smell that?" I nod. "Know what it is?"_

"_Smog, poverty, and decadence?" I venture._

_He chuckles. "Nope, it's SPRING. God, you're such a cynic."_

"_Look who's talking," I retort. I move in front of him and start walking backwards, camera pointing at him. "March 27th, 2:03 PM, eastern standard time. Close up on Roger Davis, out of the house for the first time since January 3rd and in a frighteningly good mood."_

_Roger flips me off and tries to look threatening, but the goofy grin on his face ruins the illusion. "Get that thing away."_

"_Or what?" I laugh. Roger's mood is infectious. Suddenly a hand shoots out and before I know it, the situation is reversed. Roger is standing in front of me, filming my every move._

"_Next shot: Mark Cohen filled with shock, as the tables have turned!"_

"_Hey, give that back!" I start chasing him down the path._

"_Make me!" He begins running backwards, keeping the camera pointed at me while occasionally looking behind himself to avoid tripping. "Zoom in on Marky-boy, in hot pursuit of his new director of photography!"_

"_This isn't funny!" I protest, reaching for the stolen device. Now I'm getting annoyed._

"_I think it's hilarious! Ladies and gentlemen, it appears our wonderful director has lost his sense of hu-!" Just then Roger's heel lands in a slight dip and he goes tumbling down, taking me with him. We land with a thud, Roger on his back and me on top of him._

_For a moment, neither of us moves. Then I pull myself back slightly and look at him. Those eyes that match so well amongst the grass in these months simply gaze back at me, his mouth slightly agape. I can't read his expression. _

_I feel my heart pounding as it decides to send just a little extra blood to my face. Roger cocks an eyebrow at me, and that old mischief I never thought I'd see again is filling those round emeralds._

_Quick Cohen, say something. "…Ow." Wonderful. Now he's looking at me like I'm insane._

"'_Ow'? Heh, I break your fall and YOU say 'ow'?" He starts to sit up "Get off of me. Even if you only weight 80 pounds, you're STILL heavy."_

_I roll over and sit beside him. "140, thank you."_

"_Whatever, you're still a twig."_

"_Heh, wuss."_

_I feel a slight touch trailing up my arms. Oh shit. I thought he forgot about that. By the time he reaches my armpits I'm giggling uncontrollably. "This…isn't…fair!" I manage to say between breaths._

"_Say it!"_

"_W-what?" He tickles harder and I cry out in protest. "I ca-I can't breathe!" He doesn't let up. Then I see my opening. I lash out and grab him by the back of his ankles. He falls like a ton of bricks. Now he's at my mercy._

"_FUCK!" His body forces out laughs at full volume as my fingers dance around his ankles._

"_Say it, Roger! SAY it!"_

"_I'm your-I'm your biatch!" he finally forces out._

_I raise my arms triumphantly above my head. "Damn right!"_

_He pulls himself into a sitting position next to me. "So what's with you today?" I ask._

_He plucks a blade of grass from the ground and rolls it between his fingers, studying it. "I decided it was time." His voice has lost its playful tone._

"_Huh?" God, he can be enigmatic. I study him. He's being completely serious._

"_It's time to stop moping. I mean, I still miss Mimi…and April…and Angel, too. And I always will. But I'm through being sad all the time. That's not how I want to live my life." He tosses the grass aside and looks over at me. "Besides, isn't it fun to think that right now all three of them are gathered around, watching us act like dorks and laughing? And if we can still make them smile even now, there's no reason I shouldn't let them still do the same for me." He shakes his head. "I'm not making sense."_

_I put my hand on his shoulder. "No, it makes perfect sense. 'Forget regret', right?"_

_I lay back down with my arms folded behind my head. "Hey, speaking of Angel, that cloud looks kind of like an akita. And that one looks like a pair of handcuffs. And that one's an iris. Those were April's favorite, weren't they?"_

_I guess Roger was right. They are watching us right now. I wonder if they have dance floors in heaven. They'd all love that._

"_Mark?" I snap out of my thoughts and look over at him. "Thank you."_

_I raise an eyebrow. "What for?"_

_He lies down and slips an arm around me, closing his eyes. "Just…for being you."_

_I look away as I feel my face growing pink again. "Um, you're welcome."_

_Somehow my hand finds its way to his and before I know it, he's laced our finger together._

AN - Well, everyone. That's twelve chapters so far. I think the next is going to be the last. Thanks so much for all your support, and I hope you like the ending!


	13. Chapter 13

AN - Well, here's # 13. And despite what I said last time, I decided to divide this last part into two chapters...cause I like making you squirm :P. Actually, I'm still just working out the ending. Anyway, you know the drill.

_**He's soft to the touch  
But frayed a the ends, he breaks**_

"Mark? Mark!" I break away from my thoughts and look down at him.

"Hmm?" I almost sound groggy. I must still be half asleep.

"Where did you go? You've been staring into space for like, five minutes." Wow, was it that long?

"Oh, nowhere. Hey, what time is it?" I ask, remembering today's date.

"A little after midnight."

"Get off" I try to sit up, but he doesn't budge.

"I dun' wanna." He's such a kid sometimes.

I quickly think of an excuse. "I gotta piss." He shoots off of me to the other side of the couch. "Thank you." I make a mad dash toward my room. "Sucker!"

"Hey!" I hear Roger calling after me as I lock my door. I pull out a large package, complete with ribbon and bow, out from under my bed. I balance it in one hand while holding my camera in the other. I smirk as I open the door to find Roger in mid-knock.

"June 14th, 12:11 AM, eastern standard time. Roger's 23rd birthday."

Roger's face scrunches up in a weird combination of embarrassment and exhasperation. Less observant people would miss the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. I know better.

He runs a hand through his hair, (half) feigning frustration. "Ugh, you know I hate this shit." All the same he reaches out and takes the package. "Geez...you didn't have to..."

"Like that's ever stopped me before." I say, peeking out from behind the camera. "Open it."

As he starts tearing at the paper, I carefully set the machine on the table and turn it off. For once, I've decided this is a moment I want just for me.

The paper falls to the ground revealing a large book entitled Unscripted Life. Roger knits his eyebrows in confusion. "The hell?"

I fold my hands and bite my lip. I just remembered there's no telling how Roger will react to sentimental things.

Any apprehension melts away when I see his face as he opens the book. His eyes widen and his jaw drops slightly in awe. "Oh, Mark..these are-"

"Pictures," I finish for him, a quiet smile on my face. "You wouldn't believe how long it took to find all of those. I got a lot of them from Collins and Maureen."

He flips through. Us, Maureen, Benny, Collins, April, Angel, Mimi, Joanne, group shots, singles, any combination thereof, they're all in there. As I look over his shoulder, his eyes fall on a certain photograph over 3 years old. It's the two of us, along with Benny and Collins. Benny and Collins are making faces at the camera, drunk off their asses, while Roger's giving me a noogie. "This was the day we first met."

"When I moved in," I confirm. "I'd only known you 6 hours and already you treated me like someone who had known me his entire life. It made leaving Scarsdale so much easier."

"We all look so young...god, things were different in those days."

"Yeah...everything's changed."

I feel his fingers brush against mine. "Not everything." His eyes slowly raise to meet my own. He sets the photo album down next to my camera and pulls me into an embrace.

"This is the best thing anyone's ever given me. Thank you so much." That's not the sort of thing Roger says unless he means it. Mission accomplished.

"What are friends for?"

I feel his arms slowly move up my body. He pulls back slightly and touches his forehead to mine. I wonder if he can hear my heart pounding as clearly as I can.

Before I know what's happening, I feel his lips brush softly against my own.


	14. Chapter 14

_**He's never enough  
But still he's more than I can take**_

I'm too shocked to even close my eyes. For a moment, I return the kiss and our lips move together perfectly. Then the panic sets in and I pull away from him, adverting my gaze to the paper and ribbon lying on the floor.

For a moment we stand apart in an awkward silence. I move my eyes from the floor to look at him. He simply stares back at me, arms still partially held out as if I he were still holding me. He lowers them slowly to his sides and now he's the one staring at the floor.

Why do I feel so terrified?

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." His words are rushed, and monotone, like a rehearsed speech. "I don't know why I-" he cuts himself off, sighing. Another awkward silence.

I think putting down my camera was a mistake.

This time I'm the one to speak first. "So...I'm glad you liked the gift." I start cleaning up the wrapping paper and start walking to the trash can across the room.

I have to get away. So many thoughts are racing through my mind so fast I can't stop and focus on any single one of them.

"Don't do this." Normally, when Roger says such a thing, it's a command. This time it's a plea.

"Do what?" I kneel in front of the trash can.

Detach. Alienate. Run away...

"Pretend nothing happened. Don't do that to me."

I stand up and wipe dust that isn't there off my hands. Finally, I take a deep breath and one word screams in my mind. "Mimi-"

"-is dead," he finishes. I cringe inwardly. He sighs again. "That came out harsh, but it's true. She's dead. And I accept that."

"I'm not a rebound!" The words leave my mouth before I even realize I'm thinking them.

"That's not what I'm doing!" Looking away, he gathers himself and starts again. "Do you know what she said to me before she died?"

I force myself to look at him again. "No."

"She told me no matter how much it hurt, I needed to go on. To not be afraid to be happy and to love without her. Does it make more sense now...why the words you said that day brought me to my senses?" I nod. It WAS what she wanted. "So that's what I'm doing: moving on."

He crosses over to me and cups my cheek in his hand. "Roger?" I'm still not ready to believe all this.

"Think about it, Mark: we know each other inside and out. We were with each other through the ups and downs. When I laughed, you laughed with me. When I wanted to give up, you forced me to live." Now he leans in and whispers against my lips. "You just might be perfect."

I move my lips against his and suddenly, this FEELS perfect. Electricity courses through my entire body.

We both pull away at the same time, eyes still fixed on each others.

"I love you," we say in unison, then chuckle, Roger with amusement, myself with relief.

"I know, Mark."

"I guess everything really is different now, huh?" I take his hand between mine and play with his fingers.

"I wouldn't change any of it. In fact, if I'd known it would have led me to you, I would have bitched about it less...after I got over how crazy I thought it was," he explains, laughing.

I bite my lip in (semi) mock-nervousness. "Do you still think it's crazy, Rog?"

He laces his fingers with mine and swings our hands back and forth gently. "Oh, Marky...I've never thought anything was more insane in my entire life." He smiles and winks at me, half joking, half serious.

I let out a sigh of relief and pull him close again. "Oh, thank god, me too."

**_He's beautiful  
Oh, he's so beautiful_**

"You're beautiful, Mark." Roger's said so many things tonight that I never thought I'd hear.

I blush and remember the first time I thought that about him. "Weird to think that about a guy, isn't it?"

"Not when you're smiling at me like that."

My smile turns into a wide grin as I see the same joy my eyes must have returned in his and suddenly, I know the answer to the question I've been asking myself all along.

It IS beautiful...


End file.
